dalthauser: (MANEKI NEKO)

1. IN  THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS.  GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING  THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH  OFF.    

2.   ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS  JOAN  OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND  ARK  AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN  PEARS.  


3.  LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT  DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE  DURING THE NIGHT  
  
4.  THE JEWS WERE A PROUD  PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD  TROUBLE WITH  UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.   

5.   SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A  JEZEBEL  LIKE DELILAH. 

6.   SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.   
  
7. MOSES LED THE  JEWS TO  THE  RED   SEA  ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD   WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.    
 
8. THE EGYPTIANS  WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.  AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO  MOUNT   CYANIDE  TO GET THE TEN  COMMANDMENTS 

9.  THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD  ADAM TO EAT THE  APPLE.   
 
10.   THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.    
    
11..   MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED  CANADA  THEN JOSHUA LED THE   HEBREWS IN THE      BATTLE   OF GERITOL.   
 
12.   THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON  TO  STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM..   
 
13.  DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED  AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE  FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF  PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL  TIMES.   



14.  SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD  300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.  



15.  WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS,  SHE SANG THE MAGNA  CARTA... 


  
16.  WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE  EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND  JESUS IN THE MANAGER.  



17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN  IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.  



18.     ST. JOHN  THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.   

19.  JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO  UNTO OTHERS  BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN  DOTH NOT LIVE  BY SWEAT ALONE.    



20.  IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS  ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET  THE  TOMBSTONE  OFF THE  ENTRANCE. 

21.  THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12   DECIBELS.  
    
22.  THE EPISTELS WERE  THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.    
 
23.   ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A   TAXIMAN.   



24     ST. PAUL  CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY  WHICH  IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRIAGE. 

25.  CHRISTIANS  HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED  MONOTONY. 

dalthauser: (Life is Juicy)
Engrish Funny

The titles of the posts add to the hilarity.  A couple of times I was laughing so hard I forgot to breath.  This made my day much better (the laughing part....) 
dalthauser: (Default)

* Someone please tell my why THIS SONG isn't a hit?  I couldn't even buy the download at iTunes because they don't even know this group (you can download it free from Last.FM though).

* I got to work and pulled up next to an SUV with a homemade bumper sticker scotch taped to their back window saying
"LIBERALS: FRENCH FOR COWARDS"  This is what I have to deal with........

* Tomorrow I go to the dentist.  I'd like to do something else to make it a day, but I better get back home and get some stuff done.  
 
* and finally - - borrowed from [livejournal.com profile] madamealexis  - when I saw this they heard me laughing in Austin

 


 
 

dalthauser: (Default)

* SKorean firm delivers first commercial dog clones
Aside from the fact that Pitbulls are not high on my list of dog breeds..... do we really need to CLONE them??  or any dog for that matter.  In addition - the original dog died of cancer..... don't the cancer genes get cloned along with the bark and wag tail genes?  I don't like it - I don't.

* I had a customer today who had MARSVENUS (no hyphen or space) as her first name.  I wanted very badly to ask her the background story, but I'm a professional.... :-)

* I paid off my Visa Bill this month for the first time in about 6 months.  Let's see if I can keep it paid off every month going forward.  Having the truck paid off helps, but now I have to get back into conserve mode so I can get my emergency fund established.  I hate money - I wish I was independently wealthy, so I wouldn't have to deal with it (seriously).



dalthauser: (Default)






It just made me laugh okay?? :-)

|.............| Put this on your
|..  *..*....| profile if you have
|....\o/.....| ever walked into a
|......|......| Glass Door that was
|...../.\.....| CLOSED!
dalthauser: (Default)
People in the office are wondering why I'm laughing out loud........................

IF YOU DON'T LAUGH - YOU HAVE TO CRY (OR BOTH)
dalthauser: (Default)
If you know anyone
that's been eaten by
a shark, please add
this to your profile

___|\____________\o/______


dalthauser: (CHRISTMAS DISNEY SNOW)
Eating Tips for the Holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? It's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, and it has fruity goodness - don't you want to be good?  The only other option is being bad . . . . .

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry... January is just around the corner!

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

(a friend emailed this - usually I delete anything that begins with FW: without even opening it - I'm glad I opened this one.  I only edited slightly because it wasn't being very nice to fruitcakes)

dalthauser: (Peace)
I was on CNN.com this morning and I read the article about the Clinton campaign volunteers getting fired for sending out (forwarding?) emails accusing Barak Obama of being Muslim (the HORROR.....).  

In the comments of the article (very entertaining on their own) there was a link to a website documenting the current information collected from the patriotic voting public about Obama's shenanigans............ (warning: over-the-top parody ahead) :-)




 
dalthauser: (ZIM CHRISTMAS)
I thought this was funny and often true.
Previously posted by [profile] jen_floridagal

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" 
She doesn't care what you think. 

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game , she doesn't sit around whining about it. 
She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. 

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. 
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. 

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. 
They know what it's like to be unappreciated. 

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. 

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. 

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. 
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. 

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. 
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. 
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. 

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. 
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. 
Why? 
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

(I wish I'd actually heard Andy Rooney say that last line..haha)

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